by Shirley Mangle
My convalescence ended as abruptly as it began, although I’m afraid (or delighted) that those painkillers (which I abused) will have a permanent effect on my perspective, thought-process, and ability to do math.
Anyway, since I’m not bed-ridden anymore I wanted to do a really adventurous travel-blog. I’ve done volcanoes, rivers, villages, and ski-resorts, but there’s one venue I haven’t blogged about: The Moon! My Greek cousin Milinploxor (I just call her Millie) told me that a company called Travel Nightmare recently opened a hotel on the Moon. So I called their toll-free number and said, “I’m the famous travel-writer Shirley Mangle, and I want to write a blog about your Moon-Hotel!”
The person on the other end of the line sounded like a robot, except a super-seductive robot with a creamy-liquid voice. The robot said, “oooh my… Shirley MANGLE! MMmmmmm… you can stay in our Moon Hotel free of charge. Sexy, sexy, Shirley Mangle! We’ll send a space-helicoptor right to your door sooner than you can undresssss.”
I wasn’t surprised to see that the space-helicopter was piloted by a gorilla-bear, because gorilla-bears are the only species with the dexterity and intelligence to properly control such complex machines. I wore a tight red leather suit with my delicious dirty blonde hair up in a science-fiction hairdo, and I leaped into the back seat of the ‘coptor, saying, “Gorilla Bear! Take me to the moon!”
The gorilla-bear looked back at me with his space-sunglasses, looking over my fine young body, and said, “Miss, I’ll take you anywhere you want.”
As the helicopter left the atmosphere I chatted with the pilot and watched my world disappear below me.
When I got to the Moon Hotel I found that it was pretty fucking boring. There were no other visitors or travellers and they can’t get cable on the moon. Even the internet was super-slow. The manager was the sexy-voiced robot who talked on the phone to me, but he was mechanically incapable of leaving the reception desk. Plus the swimming pool was weird and dangerous, with the low-gravity sloshing all the water around. However, the food was delicious. They had ten flavours of rich, fatty ice cream, plus some of the best blue-cheese hamburgers I ever tasted. I went to visit the chef in the kitchen and, lo and behold, the chef was the same gorilla bear who had piloted the space-helicopter! The only difference was that now he was totally naked! He grinned at me, wearing nothing but a spatula and those sexy space-sunglasses, and said, “I’ve been waiting for you to visit.”
“Looks like this trip isn’t a total bust,” I said, unzipping my red suit. We fell into each others’ embrace and soon we were making a mess all over the kitchen.
Later on, while we relaxed and drank spacewine in the pantry, I heard strange dissonant piano sounds coming from somewhere. “Who’s playing the piano?” I said.
My gorilla bear played with my belly button and said, “Nevermind that, honey. Our love is the only music we need.”
But I was too curious. “As a travel-blogger I have a responsibility to investigate,” I said. So I went totally naked toward the plunking and clinking piano noises. The rythm was odd and it seemed like the performer was avoiding scale altogether. “Sounds like Schoenberg,” I said, “Or Liszt!” I walked out into the lobby and still didn’t see any piano. Looking out through the entrance doors I saw the bleak darkness of the moon’s sky over the deathly gray of the moon’s ancient dirt. On the horizon I could clearly see an antique stand-up piano, but there didn’t seem to be anybody sitting there.
So I took a deep breath and bounced out into the low-grav moonscape, bounding toward the piano. When I got there I saw that there was someone crushed underneath it! His hand was reaching up to hit random notes on the ivory keys while blood poured out from his wounds and compound fractures.
This scene was all to familiar to me, and I sharply recalled the cause of my recent injuries and convalescence. I decided to spend some of my precious air and said, “Sir! Who crushed you beneath this instrument!”
He beckoned me closer with his hands, and when I leaned in close he copped a feel of my boob. I didn’t stop him. Then he said, “Don’t trust the gorilla bears!!!”
Then he died, with a smile on his face and my boob in his hand. I felt proud to know that I’d made his last moments sexy, but when I turned back to the Moon Hotel I saw multiple gorilla bears standing outside the entrance with their arms crossed menacingly. What kind of conspiracy was this? Fear crept up my spine, but it was soon replaced with resolve and determination. I picked up the piano (an easy task upon the low-grav moon) and hurled it slowly toward the Moon Hotel. While it was on its collision course, I made a bee-line to the space-helicopter. One of the gorilla bears tried to intercept me but I threw moon-dirt in his eyes, disorienting him long enough for me to kick him in his huge, vulnerable elbow, and he collapsed in a twitching seizure.
I got in the ‘copter and flew up into the sky… too late! A gorilla-bear had already grabbed onto the landing gear. But I locked the doors so he couldn’t get in. I controlled the copter with shameful ineptitude, zigzagging around and creating nauseous chaos in my aura and belly. When I was high above the moon I radioed in to Earth. I said, “Earth! The Moon Hotel has been compromised by gorilla bears! I’m coming home!”
But the radio-man from Earth said, “No Shirley! Don’t come back here! Earth has also been compromised!”
Now I was really in a panic. “Well what can I do?”
Then I heard an overly sexual robotic voice said, “Sexy, sexy Shirley. Your answers lie far away on Saturn’s moon, Titan. The answers wait for you like a lover, lying naked under the covers, waiting for you to uncover their vulnerable desires, and lick them into a frenzy of knowledge.”
It was the robot-manager! “Where are you, robot-manager?” I asked. “How are you speaking to me?”
The robot-manager said, “I’m speaking in your mind! Now go! To Titan! You’re the only one who can resscue uuuuhhh uuuhhh uuussss from the ravages of these gorilla bears!”
So I turned toward Saturn and her moon, embarking on a strange new adventure!